Sporadic thoughts…

April 28th (Thursday, 8:16 PM):  The last two days, I have reiterated the following mantra: one step at a time, take life day by day…

For me, it literally boils down to the very last hour, the last minute, the last second, the last breath I take before I finally fall completely asleep. My self-induced battle with various addictions, with ego-driven synergy behind it all, my own misery drives me a bit mad, yet I trudge on…albeit wearily, my soul diffused quite a bit, frustrated and angry and simply tired, I still trudge on. I move forward. What use is there to fall backwards, to reflect on the past or even occupy myself thinking about the prospects of the future. The key, I believe, is to at least attempt to engage my consciousness, my being into the present moment; whether the present moment evokes pure emotional pain or absolute ecstasy, my goal is to be fully present nevertheless, stay within the present moment, and sustain it as much as I can. However, the conditioned mind, the ever present ego strains my energy and I, honestly, fail miserably at times to do just this. I find myself ever so preoccupied with the past and I do find myself wondering about the future, and when I introspect on this conflict, I realize the pettiness, the ignorance, the uselessness of it all…why have I become so conditioned to the point that I cannot live in the present moment?

Day by day. Hour by hour. Even seconds becomes a challenge for me. The urges, the compulsive aspect of my addictions, the emotional/physical/mental destruction that ensues, how frightening it is to know that all of these are constructed, created, conjured, and thought up completely from the confines of my own mind. How scary it is to acknowledge that everything that conspires in my life is a manifestation and reflection of my thoughts, my own goddamn mind.

There is a saying that we are our own worst enemy. We create our own misery. We interpret reality, the world, our lives through the distorted lens we call our “mind” and, yet, many of us do not take the effort to acknowledge this handicap. I live through illusions, I continue to live life daily in a semi-conscious level and I feel horribly stagnant, spiritually and intellectually. If happiness, harmonious balance, peacefulness is inherent within us, why then is it almost impossible to tap into such a state for an extended period of time? Everything, everybody, every moment is fleeting, we live in a constantly changing world and, yet, I find myself stagnant…stuck…emotionally immobile. Why? What is it that I am not accepting?

My alcoholism continues to pervade my life and continues to be a huge hurdle. Probably the biggest hurdle that continues to exist in my life. How and will I ever relinquish this problem?

The contradiction that I live is that I do not like the feeling of loneliness, yet I still promote a lifestyle of loneliness because I suppose it’s my way of guarding my ego, my heart in a strange, twisted way. I think I figured as long as I keep myself detached to a certain extent and not allow anybody to get too close to me, I’m still in control. Ironically, this cannot be further from the truth, obviously. I do not want to live in an illusory world, but I am…

The greatest enemy is our own perceptions, my every own ego. The more control I think I have, the less control I really have and, eventually, I hang myself (figuratively).

The Ego, she has all the good tricks up her sleeves.

As Krishnamurti has encouraged us, “Be the Observer” of the mind. I shall observe my own Ego. I want to be a free person, to awake from this long, prolonged, miserable, self-loathing dream.

I refuse to allow the Ego to continue to control me through my own fears, insecurities, anger, impatience, anxiety, depression, low self-esteem, negativity, loneliness, emotional dysfunction, etc.

The saying goes >>> The biggest con that she has ever done is to make you believe she is your best friend. You never think to look inside yourself to look for your worst enemy.

Old patterns, old habits, recurrent cycles and problems >>> manifestations of the EGO

Insanity is doing the same old thing over, over, and over again and expecting/hoping for different results. This is madness, the working of an insane mind.