January 11, 2011

January 11th (Tuesday, 7:18 PM): Day Ten. The last few days have been challenging for me in that I find myself continuing to struggle with my own mind and thoughts derived from my Ego. However, the more I observe, the more I find myself slowly parting from my Ego and, at the same time, feeling the strain of gradually absolving my Ego. I can’t really explain it. Last night, I felt something odd…I felt I moved into a moment of true silence, free from my Ego and my mind, and it almost felt bizarre…just weird, I can’t really explain it in mere words. Instead of experiencing the silence, I, of course, started to allow my thoughts to cave in and ruin the natural state of silence; that precious moment ceased pretty quickly. I realized then how my thoughts, my mind tends to keep me from experiencing the present moment, the here and the now, habitually latching onto the images of the past, the known or the future. To get away from such a habit poses an extremely difficult challenge for me because it absolutely defies my long-term conditioning up to this point.

I have been simultaneously trying to free my consciousness of thoughts and allowing thoughts to simply run through me…this act is contradicting each other, thus, I have been feeling quite conflicted and confused. Frustrated, a bit.

“Truth is a pathless land” (Krishnamurti).

I have been grappling with this philosophical perspective, rigorously trying to figure out what this means AND I also have been trying to really understand this; not just merely and superficially analyze/concretize this specific point of view. It is inspiring, these words, because to ascertain that my “truth” cannot be found by following a certain decree, dogma, religion, spiritual path, words of the wise/guru, books, etc. I can only come to see the truth within me and only through myself. This implies independence from everything and everybody external to myself…but aren’t I being influenced by Krishnamurti? Or am I simply being motivated to move into myself for once in my life?

Does my mind view Krishnamurti as my “guru”? My spiritual savior? Or am I truly doing real work on my own? I intentionally have not been reading too much of his material because I want to be able to come to my own realization without instructions, influence, the effect of his words. After all, Krishnamurti encouraged us to think for ourselves, to dig as deeply as one can; to challenge ourselves immensely and to not give up on ourselves because to do so would mean we’re giving up on our very essential nature.

The more I observe silently other people around me, I see more and more clearly the subtle misery of which they all seem to live in, perpetuating their own misery cycle, living in a cloud of illusory, ego-driven unhappiness. Everybody seems to live inside their own heads, creating a life based on the inner dialogues and thoughts their mind have incessantly created for them; it’s almost as if we’re living our lives to merely appease our Ego. We derive our sense of worth and sense of happiness largely through superficial means if one really, truly think about it. We tell each other and try to comfort each other by saying we love one another and care for each other…but…do we really? How do we love another when majority of us cannot truly love ourselves? The fact that this world is in such disarray, chaos, negativity, violence, misery, depression and so on, isn’t this a very clear indicator and proof that our internal conflict is reflected and manifested externally, hence this world being in the state that it is???

Krishnamurti adamantly pointed out that if we cannot transform and change ourselves from within, we can NEVER change the world, anything external from us. Everything has to start from within yet we concentrate so much on the external gains, the external means to everything, the external outcome. Everybody seeks happiness yet most of us are extremely unhappy. Why??? So, wouldn’t it make sense to change/alter our course in life? To really question, investigate, inquire, explore, delve deeply (not superficially) our own mind, our motives, intentions, perspectives, opinions, drives, and become more open to other possibilities? Alternative means? I believe most of us limit ourselves because we are bound by our own mind created fears, insecurities, doubt, negative emotions, etc.