Contemplating on Krishnamurti’s words…

Krishnamurti: “So I am interested in understanding why I am lonely, for I see it is that which makes me attached. That loneliness has forced me to escape through attachment to this or to that, and I see that as long as I am lonely the sequence will always be this. What does it mean to be lonely? How does it come about? Is it instinctual, inherited, or is it brought about by my daily activity? If it is an instinct, if it is inherited, it is part of my lot; I am not to blame. But as I do not accept this, I question it and remain with the question. I am watching and I am not trying to find an intellectual answer. I am not trying to tell the loneliness what it should do, or what it is; I am watching for it to tell me. There is a watchfulness for the loneliness to reveal itself. It will not reveal itself if I run away; if I am frightened; if I resist it. So I watch it. I watch it so that no thought interferes. Watching is much more important than thought coming in. And because my whole energy is concerned with the observation of that loneliness thought does not come in at all. The mind is being challenged and it must answer. Being challenged it is in a crisis. In a crisis you have great energy and that energy remains without being interfered with by thought. This is a challenge which must be answered”.

(continued from Krishnamurti) : “So there is this tremendous energy to answer the question: why is there this loneliness? I have rejected ideas, suppositions and theories that it is inherited, that it is instinctual. All that means nothing to me. Loneliness is `what is’. Why is there this loneliness which every human being, if he is at all aware, goes through, superficially or most profoundly? Why does it come into being? Is it that the mind is doing something which is bringing it about? I have rejected theories as to instinct and inheritance and I am asking: is the mind, the brain itself, bringing about this loneliness, this total isolation? Is the movement of thought doing this? Is the thought in my daily life creating this sense of isolation? In the office I am isolating myself because I want to become the top executive, therefore thought is working all the time isolating itself. I see that thought is all the time operating to make itself superior, the mind is working itself towards this isolation”.

“Now the problem is: can thought realize that whatever it does is limited, fragmented and therefore isolating and that whatever it does will be thus? This is a very important point: can thought itself realize its own limitations? Or am I telling it that it is limited? This, I see, is very important to understand; this is the real essence of the matter. If thought realizes itself that it is limited then there is no resistance, no conflict; it says, “I am that”. But if I am telling it that it is limited then I become separate from the limitation. Then I struggle to overcome the limitation, therefore there is conflict and violence, not love”.

January 9th: If I impose something on thought, then there is conflict.

Every single thought is based on “memory”. In discussion with myself, I realize that “loneliness” is created by our thoughts.

If I have to run after it, it is not love.

8:31 PM:
What is implied in loneliness for me? Loneliness exist because of my attachments. I realize now that there has always been extreme attachment to “images” of what I perceived as love (in reality, they were images of pleasure, attachments, of comfort, desire, etc, not “love“).

What does it mean to be lonely, for me? What thoughts surround the notion of loneliness? For me, words such as insecurity, fear, rejection, isolation, internal conflict/struggle, ongoing battle with my Ego, all of this encompasses the word “loneliness” for me.

I am beginning to notice that by battling my Ego and trying to destroy it, I am essentially destroying myself because I am my Ego and vice versa. I am not separate from my Ego. I know there has to be a way to dissolve my Ego, however. What is behind this motive? To get rid of the feeling of loneliness and continued sorrow and suffering? Yes…that is why I have been diligently trying to rid my Ego, but I am perhaps going about it the wrong way.

Is there a wrong way? A right way?

I’m confused.

Today marks Day Eight of sobriety.

So, it is my very own thoughts derived from my own mind that are creating loneliness for me. Loneliness is not inherent, it is not instinctual according to Krishnamurti. Thoughts are always fragmented, isolating, limiting, and perhaps ego-driven. All thoughts are based on memory (I’m obviously reiterating what Krishnamurti has pointed out).

I’m trying to have all of this soak into my brain. I’m trying to figure out how to process all of this and ingest it wholly.

So many images
So many familiar faces
The same old experiences
The accumulation of 29 years of my life
All wrapped up in my head–
Is it a wonder why I feel haunted?

I am inquiring. Investigating. Self analyzing. Questioning: what are my motives, where do my thoughts stem from, why do I harbor so many fears, what kind of fears do I harbor, who am I, what or who is my Ego, what is my truth??? How do I separate reality from illusions? Inside looking outward, they both look intertwined. How do I go about weeding through the illusions to see more clearly my Truth? Why and how has it been obscured? Obscured from layers and layers of my thoughts…

What has been challenging for me to fully grasp is the fact that one cannot search for the truth; truth comes to us when we are ready to receive it. Truth is within us…so why the hell is it so hard to see it? The question of the century.

THE PSYCHOLOGICAL REVOLUTION.
I SHALL NEVER FEAR THE TRUTH, I MUST EMBRACE IT.

So I am prompted through my own self investigation to ask myself: what are my attachments? What or who am I attached to? Am I attached to the actual objects OR am I attached to the images and memories of the objects? Do I derive my sense of worth, security, happiness, pleasure, excitement, cessation of boredom and sexual frustrations from my friends and lovers? I have. Hence, the misery that continues. How will I ever surpass this handicap if I derive anything that are stemmed/originated/constructed by “thoughts”, “memories”. After all, my motives, emotions, interpretations, perceptions, feelings of experiences are all derived from my thoughts. How do I not consume myself from thoughts?

Every new experience I encounter, all of my emotions follows the continuum of the old thought patterns because my mind only knows of the “known”. My mind, out of habit and repeated patterns, always attach to the “known”; the “known” for me consist of fears/rejection/insecurities/addiction/anger/emotional pain/etc.

Break the chain.

Still…the longing, the cravings, the desires, the superficial clinging and addiction…they are all still there, here, within me. No matter the extent of my intelligence, my heart still finds itself aching at times.

Extraordinary loneliness.

I am not afraid of the truth. I am definitely not afraid of the light.

FIXED GHOST. The underlying behemoth (beast) resides cunningly in the creases of my mind.
Its tongue slithers with subtle harmony
And my ego wraps around the sharp edges of reality
As if to protect her master from the pain that awaits
Only to find herself shielding from the truth
The fixed ghost of relativity and time,
Lives vicariously through my thoughts and
My confusion only fuels the fire from within
Rendering me useless as my confusion obscures
the truth, sauntering about, my mind is alive
And stupid
Ruthless and vigilant

January 10th (Monday, 8:56 PM): Day Nine.
Superficial contemplation? I wonder. I wonder if the internal evolution is subtle for me. I wonder about my mind. I’m curious so I prod along, observing each thought and sometimes, out of habit, I try to shake off the painful ones only to realize that this would only reinforce them. Acceptance is key. Thus, I must accept my thoughts, my emotions run through me like water. I cannot allow them to boil; the spillage is what wreaks emotional havoc for me. Acceptance. Amazing, have I not been accepting of myself, my mind, reality, the truth all this time? Does it get easier? Observing the mind, researching oneself, self analyzing, reaching for the revolution of ME…does it? I hope so. At this point, I am not sure which direction I’m heading towards to, I don’t even fully know what I have embarked upon. My mind constantly seeks for a destination point, some kind of reference, keeps trying to reflect from the past, but I’m moving away from this, moving forward (trying not to look back and trying very hard to not look ahead). Stay in the present moment…how? I don’t know, but I can. I must. I will. I have.

My superficial mind is feeling very weary, tired, frustrated, sad, and lonely. However, my spirit keeps me moving, encourages me to keep moving along. Move along where?

To explore the depth of one’s mind, thoughts, the Ego, consciousness, all of this requires tremendous energy, enormous amount of patience, and resilience must accompany me as well. I vaguely sense a slow transformation within myself, within my soul.

Have I created loneliness for myself. Of course I have. One can never underestimate the mind. The mind, the accompanying thoughts have killed millions, murdered innocent people, caused tyranny all over the world, created poverty, utter despair, wars, unfathomable things…so yes, my mind and the thoughts created by my mind is what have caused me tremendous suffering, emotional discontent, restlessness, utter loneliness, depression, sadness, extreme waves of anger, various addictions, attachments, and so on.

Could it be possible that my very own mind and thoughts can lead me to my own spiritual demise, my own internal destruction, forever obscuring the truth, the beauty and love within me? This is a question I pose to myself and this is the very question I can answer through myself, within myself. This is the question only I can answer, know how to answer and must answer intelligently.

Advertisement