90 Days of Sobriety

Too bad I can’t celebrate this mini milestone with a drink, lol. Aw, me and my sick sense of humor. I crack myself up all the time. I wonder if this is normal. I honestly really think I’m funny. My sense of humor, albeit dry and often sarcastic and weird, I think I’m hilarious. I guess living inside my own head leads me to see things with humor at all times (if I can help it). It’s the only way I keep myself sane, literally.

I imagined that when I hit the 90-day mark, I would be in a more celebratory mood or at least feeling a whole lot more uplifted that I am feeling now, but…nevertheless, I’m still feeling good about myself, my achievement. I guess I just settled on the month increments to track my sobriety progress. In reality, it is still a day-to-day process for me. As I have mentioned in my previous post, it doesn’t get any easier with time as one would imagine/assume. Remaining sober has actually become more difficult as life throws more challenges, trials and tribulations at me. On a brighter note, the temptations are just that…a subtle-to-moderate urge based on the memories I have of drinking and its effects, but I have just enough self-control that I allow the urge to intensify and simply pass through my mind.

I kept reiterating a few phrases from Krishnamurti and Pema Chodron through my mind, they act as a form of bizarre comfort blanket for my weary mind. Some of the key phrases I keep recycling inside my mind are: “One has to stay on that shaky, uncomfortable spot in order to surpass it”, “Truth is a pathless land”, “You have to learn to be alone in order to really love yourself”, etc…

Truth is a pathless land. This is an interesting, complex quote from Krishnamurti. My mind has yet to fully grasp the meaning of this. We’re bred to follow a path or several paths in our lives. It’s either this path or that.

So, what I have been doing is following myself versus following others. Does that even make any sense, I wonder. Let me try to rephrase that. I have been following my own mind and bypassing what I’m told or what others have been following. I want to cut myself from the mainstream and challenge myself to follow my own instincts, intuition, my own truth. There aren’t any specific paths, routes, directions, rules, etc. What’s weird for me to grasp is that, everything I have been seeking for (eg. happiness, inner peace, universal compassion) is already inherently within me…the “trick” is to really see this. How? No clue, at the moment. Ask me tomorrow.