October 30, 2010 (10:40 PM, Saturday)

It’s Halloween eve on a Saturday night and I’m home alone. A huge departure from what I was doing last Halloween. Made me realize how fast the year has gone by.

Tomorrow will mark my 90-day total sobriety. I thought/assumed that it would get easier with time but, in reality for me, it doesn’t and hasn’t. Ironically, it seems to get a bit tougher. Temptation comes and goes intermittently. There has been quite a few moments when I contemplated how it would feel to drink again…an ice cold, good quality Vodka on the rocks with a chaser on the side. I actually miss drinking and its inebriating effects. Just being honest. Alcohol was my best friend for years…my ego was absolutely dependent on her for many, many years. My ego seems to be still going through a grieving stage.

I have been feeling like crying the last few days. Haven’t yet. Maybe I should. Probably will make me feel better. I feel this pent up ball of energy just coiled up inside of me, around my stomach region. Feels like a weird knot of sort. My chest feels heavy and I have been feeling a bit…sad. Alone.

I’m literally, not just figuratively, cursing the shit out of my ego. I’m investigating as to why I continue to suffer from loneliness. What is it that I am not accepting? What are my true fears? What is in my way of my happiness? I know it’s me, it has to do with something within myself, my mind…but what is it? What the fuck is it? I’m getting frustrated. More accurately, I am extremely frustrated.

I’m definitely in a shaky, uncomfortable spot at the moment…I’m pushing through.

This sobriety thing is no joke. If anything in life is easy, to me, it means I ain’t doing something right.