I couldn’t help it. I had to save one picture. He was my first love after all, and the only one who I truly loved so far in my life. As I type this, tears have been intermittently welling up, but I’m not crying. So, I know he’s with somebody and in love. I happen to coincidentally come across a few pictures online and these pictures, as painful they were to look at, they answered series of lingering questions for me and I’m happy for him. He actually looks like a very happy man, saw an expression on his face and in his eyes that I haven’t seen in a very long time. I wish him the best. One thing I definitely wish for everybody is happiness and he definitely looks content, happy…in love and somebody who is doing well in life.

I would be lying if I were to say I didn’t feel like a small dagger have cut through my chest cavity and through my heart…but this kind of pain, it’s not seething and it’s not the kind of pain that leaves a bad taste in my mouth.  My heart and mind just feels intertwined with simple sadness and a sense of loss, like somebody who is still grieving a loss and, in all reality, that’s exactly what I have been going through…though it’s been over 2 years, I realized that I have been grieving a loss and has manifested in ugly, negative ways for me. However, with sobriety by my side, I know I must move on, move forward, and try not to look back…anymore.

So today marks a sad day for me. A sad day but, in a way, maybe a day of liberation as well. Today, I will neatly collect all the pictures, cards and miscellaneous notes, and discard them…not with contempt nor with any inkling of resentment or negative emotions, but just to mark a day (metaphorically) that I’m ready to finally move on from him; that I’m ready to finally release him from my heart, my mind, my thoughts. I’m ready to move on from him.

It’s so hard to not glance through the letters and cards one last time. As I type this entry, I keep glancing at the pile of love that have accumulated for years and wondering to myself…how did I get here? I trust myself enough that I have already embarked on a journey that may leave me feeling emotional at times…but…I just need to bite the bullet and keep moving on.

Take a deep breath. Exhale.