In Love With Myself…

Alas, I am slowly falling in love with myself. What I mean is, I’m beginning to truly love myself and it has become a whole lot easier forgiving myself for all the flaws I have inherited and carry. My imperfections, I find them to be quite endearing actually.

I have been working rigorously hard in getting back to shape and improving my overall health. I have been feeling a bit fatigued, but this may be due to over-exercise and lack of calories. I’ve been hitting the gym roughly 5 days weekly, averaging near 10-12 hours per week doing pretty hardcore workouts consisting of weights and moderate-to-high intensity interval cardio. I have lost around 10-12 pounds since the end of July.

Sobriety: This coming Thursday will mark a two-month sobriety checkpoint for me. This is absolutely fantastic! I am truly and really proud of myself. I have never in my life accomplished what was initially an extremely daunting, nerve-racking, almost impossible feat. Though I still think about alcohol almost on a daily basis, I no longer have any physical relationship to alcohol.

I have never been sober this long and I am determined to continue on this wonderful sober path…hopefully for the rest of my physical life. This is, in essence, one of THE ultimate goals for myself. I have never felt so clear-minded, emotionally healthy and strong, confident, and at peace with myself ever since I have become totally sober.

There has been an ongoing issue still lingering in my life and has become somewhat pervasive, and that is loneliness. It is a dominant theme in my life and I’m still trying to be at peace with “loneliness”. I have become quite acquainted with it, but I have not yet embraced it as I should. I still find myself longing for companionship.

There has been an unfortunate but, on the same token, a liberating circumstance that came about for me not too long ago. I lost a friend. I have given up on him. I no longer have any attachments to him and…well…I believe, in my heart, that this happened for a legitimate reason; a good reason. Now, I can move on and not look back.

That is the very dominant theme for this year and for the next: DO NOT LOOK BACK, just keep moving forward…

I couldn’t help it. I had to save one picture. He was my first love after all, and the only one who I truly loved so far in my life. As I type this, tears have been intermittently welling up, but I’m not crying. So, I know he’s with somebody and in love. I happen to coincidentally come across a few pictures online and these pictures, as painful they were to look at, they answered series of lingering questions for me and I’m happy for him. He actually looks like a very happy man, saw an expression on his face and in his eyes that I haven’t seen in a very long time. I wish him the best. One thing I definitely wish for everybody is happiness and he definitely looks content, happy…in love and somebody who is doing well in life.

I would be lying if I were to say I didn’t feel like a small dagger have cut through my chest cavity and through my heart…but this kind of pain, it’s not seething and it’s not the kind of pain that leaves a bad taste in my mouth.  My heart and mind just feels intertwined with simple sadness and a sense of loss, like somebody who is still grieving a loss and, in all reality, that’s exactly what I have been going through…though it’s been over 2 years, I realized that I have been grieving a loss and has manifested in ugly, negative ways for me. However, with sobriety by my side, I know I must move on, move forward, and try not to look back…anymore.

So today marks a sad day for me. A sad day but, in a way, maybe a day of liberation as well. Today, I will neatly collect all the pictures, cards and miscellaneous notes, and discard them…not with contempt nor with any inkling of resentment or negative emotions, but just to mark a day (metaphorically) that I’m ready to finally move on from him; that I’m ready to finally release him from my heart, my mind, my thoughts. I’m ready to move on from him.

It’s so hard to not glance through the letters and cards one last time. As I type this entry, I keep glancing at the pile of love that have accumulated for years and wondering to myself…how did I get here? I trust myself enough that I have already embarked on a journey that may leave me feeling emotional at times…but…I just need to bite the bullet and keep moving on.

Take a deep breath. Exhale.

So it has been roughly close to 40 days of sobriety for me. Complete sobriety. It feels good. To be proud of myself would be an understatement. I thought about recording my journey of sobriety daily, but decided against it. I didn’t want to find myself bound by clichés that often are associated with sobriety.

All I can say is that I feel good. My health is back, better than ever…and my journey has just begun.